Comfort in grief: can a weighted stuffed animal help?

When you lose someone, a lot changes at once. Grief can come in waves, often at the very moments when things go quiet: in the evening on the sofa, in bed or on a public holiday. Many people notice that this is when they need something to hold. A weighted stuffed animal can be that kind of soft support. In this article you can read what it can mean and how to give it a place in your grief.

Why do we look for something to hold when we are sad?

Holding and being held are age-old forms of comfort. An arm around you or a hand on your shoulder sometimes says more than words. When that person is no longer there, or when you are alone with your grief, many people look for another way to hold on. Think of a jumper that belonged to the person you miss, a pillow or a stuffed animal.

A weighted stuffed animal usually weighs 1 to 2 kg. The weight makes it feel solid, a bit like something that pushes back when you hold it. Many people find that reassuring, as if for a moment something is holding you. Others prefer something light, or nothing at all. There is no right or wrong way.

What do we know about comfort objects?

Comfort objects are common in children. In a large study of 3-year-old twins, about a third had an object they were attached to, such as a comfort blanket or a stuffed animal. Such an object is considered normal, although not every child needs one.

Adults can also get a lot out of a comfort object. A small study of 80 adults found that having such an object is not problematic in itself. Dutch researchers also carried out small experiments with holding a teddy bear, but those results are too shaky to say that a stuffed animal reduces sadness or anxiety.

Research on weighted stuffed animals themselves is still in its early days, and it has not yet been studied in grief. What it means for you depends mainly on you and what you find pleasant. The best way to find out is to try it calmly.

How can a weighted stuffed animal find a place in your grief?

Grief cannot be planned, but some moments are predictably hard. A few possibilities:

• In the evening on the sofa, when it goes quiet and your thoughts wander. Place the stuffed animal on your lap or hold it.
• Before going to sleep, when you find it hard to settle. Place it next to you or against your tummy, not on your chest when you go to sleep.
• On a difficult day, such as a birthday, a public holiday or the anniversary of the death.
• During a moment of remembrance, when you look at photos or write a letter to the person you miss.

If you notice that the weight makes your sorrow heavier rather than easier to bear, or if it feels oppressive, put the stuffed animal aside. That is an answer too. If you mainly notice anxiety or panic, there is more in Can a weighted stuffed animal help with anxiety and panic?

Can a weighted stuffed animal help a child with grief?

Children grieve differently from adults. They can be intensely sad one moment and playing the next. That is grief too. A stuffed animal of their own can give a child a familiar feeling, especially at a time when everything is different. A weighted stuffed animal can then be a nice, steady source of comfort, for example during story time or when you look at photos together.

This is how you use it safely. A weighted stuffed animal is not meant for children under 3. With older children, too, use it under supervision. Choose a weight your child can easily lift and push away themselves. The stuffed animal does not go into bed for night-time sleep: remove it once your child is asleep. You will find more tips in A weighted stuffed animal for your child.

Talk to your child about the loss, in words that suit their age. If you are worried about how your child is coping, ask your GP, your child's doctor or the school for advice, for example the person at school who coordinates extra support.

How is it different from a birth weight teddy or memorial teddy?

When you search for ‘weighted teddy’, you often come across birth weight teddies. These are stuffed animals that weigh exactly as much as a newborn baby. Parents who have lost a baby sometimes choose one so they can keep feeling the weight of their little one. A memorial teddy like this is very personal and has a different meaning from a weighted stuffed animal, which is mainly meant to bring calm.

A birth weight teddy is not a toy to put in a cot. Read more about the difference in Birth weight teddy or weighted stuffed animal?

Should you give a weighted stuffed animal to someone who is grieving?

A stuffed animal can be a kind gesture: it shows that you are thinking of someone. Do keep in mind that not everyone needs the same thing. Give it without expectations, for example with a card that says: ‘Something to hold, whenever you want to.’ Briefly explain how to use the stuffed animal safely, especially if it is for a child. Read more in A weighted stuffed animal as a gift and, for adults, in Weighted stuffed animals for adults.

Where can you find help with grief?

Grief is not an illness, and over time most people find a way to live with their loss. Still, it can help not to face it alone. Talk to people you trust. If you feel stuck in your grief, or if it makes your daily life very hard, contact your GP. They can put you in touch with a psychologist or a bereavement counsellor.

You can find more about how weighted stuffed animals are used under benefits and uses.

If you are thinking about suicide or are in acute danger, call 112 (the emergency number across Europe; 999 also works in the UK). In the UK and Ireland you can call Samaritans free on 116 123. In the Netherlands: 113 Zelfmoordpreventie (113 or 0800-0113); in Belgium: the Zelfmoordlijn (1813).